Dear Lazy Parents At The Park
I've been parkin' it up a lot lately with my toddler and I've noticed something that irritates the ever-living fuck out of me: lazy ass parents glued to their cell phones.
Lady, your child is completely out of control at the park and you have absolutely no idea because you are starting at your screen THE ENTIRE TIME, probably playing some mind-numbing game or looking at Pinterest planning your Halloween party or coming up with delicious Thanksgiving side dishes. And I can understand that a certain degree. It isn't the most exciting thing in the world to cheer on your son as he makes his way down the big slide for the umpteenth time. We get it, kid, you've mastered that shit. But to stay hypnotized by your phone for 30 minutes or more while your crazed child runs around swinging a giant stick that he found is just too much. Put your technology down and yell at that little shit! Or, even better, go over to him and tell him it's totally unacceptable to be wielding a weapon when there are littles present. Grab the stick! And if he decides to not listen to you and pick it up again, go over to him, and tell him that if he doesn't put that shit down right away you are going to challenge him to a stick fight and he's going to lose, horribly. And in front of his squad, no less. De-masculate him. It's just fucking dangerous! If one of my children received his pointy stick to the face? Well, let's just say that your face would probably suffer the same fate. Except the beating wouldn't come from my children, it would come from their enraged mother. And trust me when I say this, I may look weak but when you hurt my children I basically have the strength of a crazed, human flesh eating bath salts abuser.
And to you woman that wanted to take selfies instead of watching her daughter? You're welcome. For what you ask? For making sure she didn't crawl under the caution tape and fall into the hole filled with freshly poured cement. How important was that selfie anyway? More important than your sweet little lady drowning in crushed up and watered down chunks of rocks? I think not.
I see this shit happening all the time. If you have children on the playground, WATCH THEM! Stop trying to check your Facebook every few seconds. I swear to you that nothing important has happened since the last time you checked it a minute ago. Someone probably posted a generic life quote with a picture of a fucking mountain behind it. Or someone made fun of Trump again. Yes, both things are hilarious, but they are NOT worth the safety or your child or mine.
Put the fucking phone down and live in the moment with your kid. They love the attention.
PS- If you want to take a picture of your wee one, that's great. Just put the phone down when you're through. I would hate to accidentally hip check you until the phone goes flying out of your hand and lands in that wet cement.