Dear McDonald's Breakfast
You had ONE job and you fucked it up. One job. I wanted a SAUSAGE AND CHEESE MCMUFFIN. I didn't want a sausage, EGG, and cheese McMuffin. And I most certainly didn't want a goddamn EGG and cheese McMuffin, but sure as shit, that's what I got.
Dude, your eggs are gross. They smell funny and take on a creepy gelatinous texture in my mouth that instantly makes me want to vomit. It's not normal. I know, I know, most of your food isn't "normal." I'm okay with that. I even embrace that. It typically tastes good even when it is slowly killing me and America. But I like SAUSAGE. I paid for SAUSAGE. I wanted to eat ALL THE SAUSAGE AND YOU GAVE ME A FUCKING EGG ON A BURNT MCMUFFIN WITH ONLY A TINY BIT OF CHEESE BECAUSE THE REST OF THE FUCKING CHEESE ENDED UP SLIDING ONTO THE WRAPPER! Oh, and speaking of the wrapper. It said SAUSAGE MCMUFFIN right on it! So not only did you ruin my breakfast, you also ruined my life...for like 10 minutes. Still, I can never get those 10 minutes back.
And yes, I ate the stupid sandwich anyway. But was I happy about it? No. Was it tasty? No. Did I instantly regret eating it? Yep. Lucky for you I also ordered a Sausage Burrito. It was lovely. The burrito is the only way you're going to get me to eat your eggs. And those little balls of sausage all wrapped up so warm like a little swaddled baby? Perfection. In that instance, MAYBE you redeemed yourself. And that's a pretty strong maybe.
Obviously I take my breakfast sausage seriously. I always have. If this happens again I will have to contact Mr. McDonald himself and make hostile threats. There is a Mr. McDonald, right?
Not So Sincerely,