Dear Inconvenient Cold
Really?! I was just telling my hairdresser last Thursday how surprised I was that no one in the house had been bothered by you yet. Well, I suppose I should've knocked on wood or prayed to the cold gods because as soon as I picked my chitlin up from her aunt's house, BOOM, 101.2 fever. What the fuck man?
I pushed some Tylenol and Mortrin down her throat until the next morning when the pediatrician would see her. Sidenote, I called the pediatrician and asked for an antibiotic because I KNEW she had an ear infection. Of course I was told my daughter had to physically be seen by the doctor. Look, I get it, but come on! You just wanted my $25 copay, you assholes. So we go to the doctor the next day and what do you know? A DOUBLE ear infections. Antibiotics for 10 days. Easy peasy.
Or so I thought. Now you have invaded MY body, and I am fucking pissed! In two days I will be on a plane headed to Colorado to meet a baby. Yes, a BABY. So I can't very well be all sickly and germy and nasty. It's also my vacation as I will not have any of my own children with me. So help me Jeezus if you ruin this for me...
In conclusion, this is your official eviction notice. Should you choose to remain inside my body, I will have no choice but to kill you with Airborne, a plethora of OTC drugs, and (should it come down to this) a shit ton of liquor.
Burn in hell,