A Snyder In The Sun

A Snyder In The Sun

Dear Diary...As Told By My Toddler

**Dear Diary,

Mama doesn't like it when I watch her going to the bathroom.  So, instead of watching I try to rummage through the cabinets to find stuff to play with.  There are these things call tampons that are just great.  They trick me everytime.  Turns out they are NOT candy, they just have a cool wrapper.  Mama gets mad at me when I ruin them.  She said something like they cost money, whatever that means.  But she can't get to me while she's on the potty, so I keep taking them out of their wrappers and throwing them all over her room, rendering them useless.

**Dear Diary,

Instead of drinking my sippy cup during meals, I have decided to pour its contents all over my high chair tray.  This seems to upset Mama, as she yells gibberish I don't understand and immediately comes running over with a cloth thing to clean up the water.  For some reason she gives me the cup back.  Maybe she thinks I will drink it?  Silly Mama.  I mix the water in with my dinner, leaving it ruined and utterly disgusting to look at.  Mama gets mad and throws everything in that receptacle full of old food.  She sits down and mumbles something, defeated.

**Dear Diary,

Have you ever tasted a coin?  If you haven't, you must!.  They are absolutely delicious.  Don't let any adults see you though. They will just chase you around the house and try to get it out of your mouth.  My advice is to stash it somewhere or swallow it immediately.

**Dear Diary,

I like to push people and pinch them.  It's even better when my nails are slightly longer than usual.  Mama doesn't think it's funny. I think I made her cry the other day.  Doesn't she understand I am just being silly when I throw something full bore at her face?  Side note: biting is also fun. 

**Dear Diary,

It is official, I do NOT like bedtime.  Why should I have to sleep alone in my comfy bed surrounded by 700 blankets and stuffed animals when I could be running around the house screaming and throwing shit?  So now instead of going to bed peacefully, I shall kick the hell out of my door and try to rip the door knob off.  It only makes sense.  Also, when I finally DO tire out, I will sleep near my door instead of in my bed.  That will show everyone.

**Dear Diary,

You know what's so cool?  My cat.  He makes me giggle, especially when I grab his foot while he's laying down and he tries to bite me.  He's so silly.  I love to sit on him until he meows really loudly.  I know he loves it.  He can pretend he's my horsey!  That Mama lady always says "gentle."  What does that mean?  I assume she means pet him harder and slap his head. 

**Dear Diary,

I WILL NOT share my toys.  If anyone tries to take something I am playing with, I will try to bite that person's head or whatever extremity is closest to my mouth.  I will also shake violently and scream as loud as I can.  You've all been warned. 

**Dear Diary,

There is a song I love that must be played on repeat or I will flip out.  Perhaps you've heard of it?  It's called Let It Go.  I try to sing along, which Mama thinks is cute, for about 20 seconds, then she gets all huffy and looks like she's going insane.  How could you not LOVE that song?! 

**Dear Diary,

Screaming in the car has quickly become one of my favorite pastimes.  It never gets old.  Sometimes Mama puts on classical music, which I find very soothing, but mostly I just like to yell. It's really fun!  I even like to get my older sister involved.  Mama tries to crank the radio up loud when me and sissy are yelling.  It only makes us yell louder.  Will that lady ever learn?  Probably not.  Well Diary, I am EXHAUSTED from all the running around and throwing toys.  I must go down for a nap now, which entails me yelling in my room for over an hour before I actually fall asleep.  I love you, Diary.  Until we talk again...


 

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