A Snyder In The Sun

A Snyder In The Sun

Dear Diary...As Told By My Baby

Dear Diary,

It has been roughly 5 minutes since that mama lady put her boob in my mouth.  I have screamed endlessly, but she doesn't seem to understand that I am literally starving to death and probably won't make it much longer.  Perhaps I will shit myself in protest so she is forced to pick me up.  She will be upset to learn I have crapped up my back.  But she deserves it.

Dear Diary,

Mama looked surprised when I peed on the bath mat.  Isn't that what I am supposed to do when she takes my diaper off before a bath?

Dear Diary,

There is a strange creature that lurks through the house.  It has an appendage coming from the top of it's butt that it DOES NOT like me to chew on.  It smacked me across the face with it's furry hand.  It also doesn't like me to pull the wires on it's face.  I will try again tomorrow.

Dear Diary,

I threw scrambled eggs all over the kitchen today.  In my defense I was very tired and it just made sense.  Mama grabbed those paper things and tried to clean it up.  Then I threw my sippy cup of water on the floor.  Doesn't she know I need to sleep?  What else can I throw?

Dear Diary,

Maybe if I arch my back just so, she won't put my in that chair thing that goes in the car. She keeps trying to bend me at the stomach.  Yeah, like that's going to work.  Give up, lady.

Dear Diary,

I heard that what I'm eating is "carpet?"  Well, whatever it is, it's delicious, and I will eat more of it later.  On a related note, "dirt" and "leaves" are yummy too.

Dear Diary,

Today is the third consecutive day in a row mama has left me to cry myself to sleep.  She is a sadistic bitch.  I will wake her up a few times tonight as payback.

Dear Diary,

We went out to eat tonight at a restaurant.  I decided to yell my way through the whole meal. The people around us thought I was the best thing ever, obviously.  Mama kept trying to make me eat those puffy star things.  I think she was trying to shut me up.  I threw them all over the floor and grabbed at all the shiny silver metal things.  Then I ate a napkin.

Dear Diary,

I did not like waking up this morning.  I tried to tell that mama lady but she didn't listen...so I threw myself on the floor and screamed.  She looked at me like I was the crazy one.  I will keep yelling.

Dear Diary,

I have decided that this whole "bedtime" thing is for the birds.  Instead of going to sleep, I am going to throw everything out of my crib and slam around for a while.  When mama comes in I will giggle maniacally while she looks at me confused.

Dear Diary,

Anytime mama is eating something I make sure to yell at her until she gives me some.  Then I spit it out on the floor or rub some of it on my face and clean clothes.  Sharing is caring.

 

More entries to come.  I am tired and need to throw fits until I am put down for a nap.

 

Feel free to pass me around to your friends.  I like to be shared ;)