I Joined A Cult For A Few Hours
Okay, so maybe it wasn't TECHNICALLY a cult. But man, it's followers are pretty die hard and as devoted as I've seen. I bought some 310 Shake protein powder and used it to supplement what I thought would be two meals a day for two weeks.
I did this for 3 reasons. One, because I wanted to lose a few el bees, two, because I was zapped of energy, and three, because I saw some celebrities pimping it on Instagram. I'm a sucker for celebrities. For instance, Snooki and JWow pimp this shit. I know, I know, but have you seen them lately? Aside from the obvious plastic surgery, they don't look nearly as ratchet as they used to. Also, Kyle from the Real Housewives drinks 310. If you know me, you know I love all the Real Housewives. This shake system seemed like a slam dunk.
I would've gone with Shakeology, the one TRUE shake cult, but I had heard diarrhea horror stories and didn't want to be shitting my pants as I was wandering the aisles of the grocery store. I looked at some of the 310 recipes and they looked yummy, so I paid my $68 plus shipping and had the vanilla protein powder shipped to me.
Pre shake, I weighed in at 169 pounds. This has been my weight for a while. It may fluctuate 2 or 3 pounds down, but mostly I am right under 170. I don't love that number. Actually, every time I see it I want to slam all my 170 pounds on the scale and break that fucker. But I don't, mostly because my husband would probably be all, What the fuck is wrong with you?! This is why we can't have nice things! And I would be like, This piece of shit is spewing lies! I'm going to set the pieces on fire while I chant demonic spells until this thing goes back to hell where it came from! I can't get mad at the scale, I can only get mad at myself. And junk food. Why the fuck are you sooooo good, junk food? Why?
Shocker, I only made it a day. Actually, I only made it through one shake. Holy shit, guys, no. Just no. I made a peanut butter banana shake with the vanilla 310 powder. Sounds tasty, right? And it wasn't soooo bad. I didn't despise it. I expected to, but I didn't. What I DID despise was the way my stomach felt after I drank it.
I would liken the feeling in my gut after consuming the shake to swallowing a watermelon. The shake literally just sat in my stomach for roughly 3 hours. It was awful. I wanted to vomit for 3 whole fucking hours. Aside from a vicious hangover, morning sickness, or a stomach bug, no one should feel THAT pukey after drinking something that is supposed to be "good" for them. Homey don't play that.
Also, my ass should not end up shooting volcanic water out of it. I don't care if my body was getting rid of toxins or not, my butt is NOT a water fountain. I actually NEED my ass for things like sitting and...well, more sitting. Fuck the fire that that shake left in its wake.
I expected to lose at least a few ounces after my body rid itself of practically everything I've ever consumed in my life. Nope. Bitch GAINED a pound. So I'm done. It wasn't worth the time, money (shit was EXPENSIVE!!), or feeling it gave me. After I got home from the gym today, instead of shakin' it I made myself a tasty, normal breakfast. AND it was healthy. AND it didn't leave me feeling like the grim reaper was living in my anus.
In conclusion, for those of you who consume these types of shakes and actually enjoy the way they make you feel, wow, I wish I had your body and gag reflex. I can't imagine myself EVER getting used to them. For now, I'm going to stick to healthier choices and actual food. No more supplementing, no more praying to every higher power out there that I don't die on the toilet while my toddler watches me and laughs. And yes, that DID happen.