A Snyder In The Sun

A Snyder In The Sun

Chocolate Coconut Oil Fudge. Um, Yes Please!

Pinterest did it again, guys!  I found this amazing recipe for a "healthy" fudge and you HAVE to try it.  Not only is it easy as hell, it's super tasty and probably healthier than the other fudges you have tried.  I say probably because I actually have no fucking clue.  It could make you gain 10 pounds with one square.  Who knows?  Pinterest says it's healthy, so let's just go with that, shall we?

Get yourself some parchment paper, organic coconut oil, some unsweetened cocoa powder, a little salt, some vanilla extract, and honey.  Oh, and some organic granulated sugar if you want.

Here's what you do:

  1. Melt 1/2 cup of organic coconut oil (Yes it will cost more, but you can't beat the quality)
  2. Mix the oil with 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
  3. Add a pinch of salt
  4. Add 1/4 of a cup of honey
  5. Add 1/4 of a teaspoon of vanilla extract
  6. Mix all ingredients together until it is as smooth as a baby's ass.
  7. Pour into a small thing of tupperware
  8. MAKE SURE YOU PUT PARCHMENT PAPER DOWN BEFORE YOU POUR!!
  9. Freeze that shit for about 30 minutes before you indulge.

***I also sprinkled just a little bit of granulated organic sugar on top before I froze the deliciousness.  This was not in the directions.  I just happen to think 1/4 of a cup of honey is a little skimpy

Dudes, it is SO good. If you don't like coconut, you won't like it.  If you do, you'll be in heaven.

Here's the  link to the original recipe.  

I keep mine in the freezer because I like it hard. That's what she said ;)

 

I Joined A Cult For A Few Hours

Okay, so maybe it wasn't TECHNICALLY a cult.  But man, it's followers are pretty die hard and as devoted as I've seen.  I bought some 310 Shake protein powder and used it to supplement what I thought would be two meals a day for two weeks.  

I did this for 3 reasons. One, because I wanted to lose a few el bees, two, because I was zapped of energy, and three, because I saw some celebrities pimping it on Instagram. I'm a sucker for celebrities.  For instance, Snooki and JWow pimp this shit.  I know, I know, but have you seen them lately?  Aside from the obvious plastic surgery, they don't look nearly as ratchet as they used to.  Also, Kyle from the Real Housewives drinks 310. If you know me,  you know I love all the Real Housewives.  This shake system seemed like a slam dunk.

I would've gone with Shakeology, the one TRUE shake cult, but I had heard diarrhea horror stories and didn't want to be shitting my pants as I was wandering the aisles of the grocery store.  I looked at some of the 310 recipes and they looked yummy, so I paid my $68 plus shipping and had the vanilla protein powder shipped to me.  

Pre shake, I weighed in at 169 pounds.  This has been my weight for a while.  It may fluctuate 2 or 3 pounds down, but mostly I am right under 170.  I don't love that number.  Actually, every time I see it I want to slam all my 170 pounds on the scale and break that fucker.  But I don't, mostly because my husband would probably be all, What the fuck is wrong with you?!  This is why we can't have nice things!  And I would be like, This piece of shit is spewing lies!  I'm going to set the pieces on fire while I chant demonic spells until this thing goes back to hell where it came from!  I can't get mad at the scale, I can only get mad at myself.  And junk food.  Why the fuck are you sooooo good, junk food?  Why?

Shocker, I only made it a day.  Actually, I only made it through one shake.  Holy shit, guys, no. Just no.  I made a peanut butter banana shake with the vanilla 310 powder.  Sounds tasty, right?  And it wasn't soooo bad.  I didn't despise it.  I expected to, but I didn't.  What I DID despise was the way my stomach felt after I drank it.  

I would liken the feeling in my gut after consuming the shake to swallowing a watermelon. The shake literally just sat in my stomach for roughly 3 hours.  It was awful.  I wanted to vomit for 3 whole fucking hours.  Aside from a vicious hangover, morning sickness, or a stomach bug, no one should feel THAT pukey after drinking something that is supposed to be "good" for them. Homey don't play that.

Also, my ass should not end up shooting volcanic water out of it.  I don't care if my body was getting rid of toxins or not, my butt is NOT a water fountain.  I actually NEED my ass for things like sitting and...well, more sitting.  Fuck the fire that that shake left in its wake.

I expected to lose at least a few ounces after my body rid itself of practically everything I've ever consumed in my life.  Nope.  Bitch GAINED a pound.  So I'm done.  It wasn't worth the time, money (shit was EXPENSIVE!!), or feeling it gave me.  After I got home from the gym today, instead of shakin' it I made myself a tasty, normal breakfast.  AND it was healthy.  AND it didn't leave me feeling like the grim reaper was living in my anus.

In conclusion, for those of you who consume these types of shakes and actually enjoy the way they make you feel, wow, I wish I had your body and gag reflex.  I can't imagine myself EVER getting used to them.  For now, I'm going to stick to healthier choices and actual food.  No more supplementing, no more praying to every higher power out there that I don't die on the toilet while my toddler watches me and laughs.  And yes, that DID happen. 

 

 

 

It's Just Hair, Y'all

I have never been partial to my hair.  By that I mean I have never been attached to it.  I'm not one of those girls that is afraid to cut even an inch of my locks off.  Quite the opposite actually.  I love to chop it, shave it, and just try new and funky shit.  I've had red hair, black hair, and blond hair.  I've had streaks of green and blue and pink.  When I was about 20 years old, I shaved all of it off.  That decision was inspired by my slight obsession with the movie V For Vendetta.  Unfortunately I am no Natalie Portman and couldn't really pull the look off.  Also, growing it out was a total fucking nightmare as I finally knew the struggle of having crazy hat hair like a boy.  I don't recommend shaving your head if you are in your 20's.  Most of the time we aren't fully confident in our bodies yet at that age.  I tried to compensate for my lack of hair with long, dangly earrings and incorporating more pink into my daily wardrobe.  Obviously I was trying too hard to prove to others that I was indeed a female and not some scrawny, almost bald, 20-year-old dude.

As the years have rolled on, and I've learned to cast most of my giving a fuck's out the window, I have become more comfortable in the not-so-normal choices I make when it comes to my hair.  Also, I have the luxury of being a stay-at-home-mom so I don't have to worry about being in an office setting and getting lectured by the man because I don't look like your typical receptionist or assistant or intern.  I can pretty much look however I want to look and nobody can tell me otherwise.  It's nice to be your own boss sometimes.

A year ago I decided to shave a lot of my hair off, keeping only some of the top long.  Then I finally started to go platinum, but only on the top.  The sides were to be kept my natural brown.  Going from dark brown to platinum blond is a long, painful, and expensive process.  I've manged to handle the upkeep...sort of.  But I started getting bored seeing the same hair looking back at me in the mirror day in and day out.  I like drastic.  I needed change.

So...here I am.  And my shit is a lovely light pink, yo!  I love it.  I don't like how sensitive my scalp is feeling today from being bleached at the roots.  During the bleaching yesterday I could feel my scalp slowly catching fire.  My face was red and my head was literally pulsing.  That is NOT a joke.  I thought I would die.  When the bleach was finally being rinsed off I had a wonderful sense of relief.  This lasted until my hairdresser began brushing my head with what can only be described as the most violent, prickly, sadistic hairbrush EVER. I'm pretty sure she took a lot of scalp skin with her.  You can imagine how terrified I was for the blow dryer.  Not to mention she still needed to lather me up with the actual pink shade I was going for. The dryer hurt, but the rest of the coloring didn't.  Thank you sweet baby Jeezus.

Now I have pink hair for a little while and I am totally stoked about it.  I don't worry that I might get some confused stares.  I don't mind that young children will be very blunt about how they feel about it.  And I certainly don't mind that I might come off as a total freak to the other moms at my daughter's school.  Because you know what?  My girls like it.  My husband likes it.  And most importantly, I like it.  AND I TOTALLY ROCK THE SHIT OUT OF IT.

#PINKHAIRDONTCARE

#LETYOURFREAKFLAGFLY

Hair only picture as my face was not feeling being photographed.  These things happen.

 

Painting With A Twist...Here's The Twist, You Get Buzzed

A group of fabulous ladies, myself included (obviously) went to Painting With A Twist for a friend's 65th birthday celebration.  I was excited, but also a tad apprehensive because my artistic abilities can only be described as Pollock on horse tranquilizers.  I just don't have the painting (or drawing, or coloring, or sculpting, or even play-doh) gift.  In fact, the day before the painting party I was on the internets and saw a funny article dedicated to the people who failed (I called it winning) at these parties.  Most of the pictures involved paintings of large dicks.  In other words, hilarious.  I guess us adults are still 12 year old giggling assholes at heart.  

So we get there and our instructor is CRAZY and hyper as hell.   Think Richard Simmons snorting an 8-ball before sweating to the oldies, hyper.  We might as well have been at a local stand up comedy club.  She had a pretty dirty sense of humor (which was great) and talked A LOT (which was decidedly NOT great). Maybe I'm being a bit of a turd, but I just wanted to get down to business and paint.  Eventually the lesson started and it was actually much easier to do than I thought it would be.

Ol' Crazy Pants guided us through the lesson as we sipped wine and laughed.  I managed to get my painting in my best friend's hair about 10 minutes in.  The red streaks were sort of cool looking though.  It could have been much worse, that's for sure.  Anyway... some members of the group swore at their paintings.  One tried to give up entirely because it wasn't perfect enough.  And a few took their time and probably didn't perfect their paintings until they got home.

In the end, all the art looked extremely similar AND completely different at the same time.   We all laughed a ton and personally, I found the painting to be very soothing once I sort of knew what I was doing.  In short, I would totally recommend Painting With A Twist to anyone, especially those that like to get a little crafty.  Craft on, yo!

Cheeseburger Casserole? Oh, Hell Yessss!

You know what's amazing?  A fucking cheeseburger.  You know what's equally (maybe slightly less) amazing?  Cheeseburger Casserole, guys!  Calm down.  I only say maybe slightly less amazing because a cheeseburger, in and of itself, is a creation worthy of a dirty French kiss.  Am I wrong?  Never.  Anyway, dude, I'm telling you, if you want your casserole to taste like heaven in your GD mouth, make this recipe.  You like Hamburger Helper?  No?  Then you are insane and we can't be friends.  Oh wait, you said yes.  Of course you did!  Ok then, consider this recipe a gourmet version of that boxed grocery store shit.  Get ready to experience your taste buds exploding all over the place.  Then take a nap. 

CHEESEBURGER CASSEROLE

Ingredients

  • 2 cans of diced tomatoes (probably 15 oz. each.  I don't know because I'm too lazy to get up and actually look in my pantry)
  • 2 cups of sharp cheddar (or more.  Load that shit up if you want.  Everyone knows cheese should have it's own holiday.  I won't judge if your casserole is mostly cheese)
  • 1 lb ground beef
  • 1 tbsp Dijon mustard (I add a little more because I like me some mustard. The original recipe calls for 2 tbsp. I don't like mustard that much)
  • 1 tbsp Ketchup (this is actually supposed to be tomato paste but I have no other use for tomato paste in my house, let's face it, so I used ketchup instead)
  • Some sugar (those diced tomatoes can be acidic little mofo's.  Use the sugar to counter this.  Go easy though, too much sugar will ruin this bitch, quick)
  • 2.5 cups of spiraly noodles
  • 1 medium onion, diced to perfection
  • Garlic (I don't know how much you want.  Too much garlic is assaulting.  Too little and what's the point, amiright?  Use your good judgement.  NOT your drunk judgment) 

Now, Cook That Shit!

  • Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
  • Cook your spiraly noodles according to the package. Drain.  Set aside.
  • Saute up that onion and garlic.  I used light olive oil to do this.  I'm not a huge fan of the taste of extra virgin (tehehe).  But, do what you want.  'Merica style.
  • Add the beef.  Cook that shit till it's brown.  Then drain the fat.  No one hates to drain burger and bacon fat more than me.  It's a pain in the ass.  Do it anyway or your casserole will be a greasy, nasty mess.
  • Add the diced tomatoes.  Stir it up.  Cook for about 2 minutes or so.  Mmmmm, smell that?  Smells like bliss.
  • Add the mustard and ketchup.  Stir it up.  Taste that shit.  Does it need sugar?  If so, add some.  A little pinch at a time.  This isn't dessert, it's Cheeseburger Casserole!  Does it need more ketchup and mustard?  It's your casserole, add some more!  Add some salt and pepper in there too. 
  • Cook for another couple minutes. 
  • Add noodles.
  • Stir everything together and put in a 9x13 baking dish.
  • Throw that glorious cheese all over the top, pop that deliciousness in the oven, and bake for 15 minutes
  • Eat the shit out of it.  Boom.

I found this amazeballs recipe on Pinterest.  Of course.  Here is the original version.  Like I said, I tweeked mine to my liking after making it a few times.  I omitted the pickles on the top.  This isn't the apocalypse, therefore you will NEVER see me add pickles to anything I am willingly putting in my pie hole.  That said, I hope you like it! 

 

***My sincere apologies for not posting a photo.  All evidence of this casserole was destroyed by my mouth.  I suck at thinking ahead***

I'm A Quitter, Winning Style.

I quit smoking a week ago, technically, if I make it through today, it will be 10 days.  This isn't the first time I've attempted quitting.  I quit once in high school for 6 months and both times I was pregnant.  The pregnancies were easy quits.  Hey I'm preggo, and the cancer sticks were gone.  No questions asked, no problem.  I was already an emotional mess so what did it matter that I couldn't smoke?  The rage doubled, but I survived.

But the urge never went away.  The fatter (read: more pregnant) I got, the more I couldn't wait for it to be over so I could have a vodka, club soda and extra lime, and a cigarette.  I fantasized about that day like I imagine some of you fantasized about those vagina balls when you read 50 Shades of Gray.  (Short rant: Those books may have been a little racy for some, but basically Christian Gray is a total control freak abusive asshole and it took everything I had not to try and contact E.L. James and tell her that she writes like a horny 7th grader.  Inner fucking Goddess?!!  A piece of me died every time I read that phrase.  Every. Single. Time.  I am still not a fully functional human being after reading that book.)  So of course, a little after my girls were born, I was able to have my drinks, which led to me wanting a smoke.  And smoke I did.  Damn it.

I picked up the habit young.  My mother never discouraged it, as she was a smoker herself.  We can't be a hypocrite, now can we?  But, since I lived with my father, I had to keep it secret.  To this day, I don't think he realizes I smoke ( I will say I still smoke until I have a few months without them).  It would break his heart and if there's one thing in life that absolutely kills me, it's making my father disappointed.  But, in the spirit of full disclosure, I need to write this, which means there's a good chance he will find out.  He's not an internet man, at least I don't think so, but if he is, and you're reading this padre, I'm sorry, and I'm trying.  I'M REALLY FUCKING TRYING THIS TIME.  Sorry for typing fuck too.  Actually dad, mine probably isn't a blog you should read most of the time.  I'll let you know which posts are safe.  Love you.

I've learned a few things over the years about my smoking.  First, I actually don't smoke that much during the day.  I may have one or two.  I simply don't have the time to sneak outside when I have a toddler on the loose.  I don't smoke in my car because there are always kids in it.  I mostly stick to having a few cigs at night when the girls are sleeping.  Mostly.  Now, if you throw alcohol into the mix, forget it.  Over a week ago I drank like 10 beers and proceeded to chain smoke an entire pack of cigarettes in about 4 hours.  Totally disgusting.  I woke up hungover with a sore throat and decided that was fucking it.  Lesson learned.

I cannot drink alcohol and expect to quit.  It's just not going to happen.  So as it stands today, I also haven't had a sip of alcohol in 10 days.  Not a single drop.  I haven't had too much trouble with this part as the only alcohol in my house is a few cans of Budweiser (WTF Jon?) and some Strong Bow cider.  There is also a nasty ass half bottle of some sort of red wine in the fridge.  Ughh, it's gross.  We have liquor, but I hate whiskey and rum gives me indigestion.  The only tempting thing in the house is a beautiful bottle of Kettle One my Secret Santa (my BIL, Matt) got me for Christmas.  You guys, the bottle is enormous.  It's probably the biggest bottle you can buy.  I put it beside my laundry basket for scale.

Isn't it huge?!  And yes, my bro-in-law had his wife write my name as Justin on the card.  Turd.  Anyway, so this is the only tempting alcohol in my house.  However, the bottle is SO huge that I don't even want to open it.  I don't know how I would pour a drink!  Plus, I like the way it looks all filled up and purty-like.

I decided to not have any alcohol for a month so I can really give this whole quitting thing a fair chance.  After that, I'm not sure what I will do.  What I do know  is that I don't want to fuck this up again.  I don't want to be a smoker anymore, even though I LOVE them.  And that's not an exaggeration.  I love cigarettes.  If I could smoke all day, everyday without any consequences, I would.  Oh lordy, would I. But that's not the case.  They stink, they are slowly killing me, and I don't want my girls to ever know what a fucking cigarette looks like.  I had to say goodbye.  It's for the best.  But I need your help, guys and dolls.  I need you to remind me how horrible they are.  I need you to tell me I don't need them.  I need you to slap the shit out of me if you see me with one.  Okay, not really, because if you slap the shit out of me I will cry.  Like, a lot.  Please don't do that.  I just need your help.  Inspire me with all the ways I am benefiting from quitting.  Tell me I'm doing a great job.  Make me feel like this is the right choice.  Check in once in a while with a Hey Justine, still off those cancer sticks? 

And to all of my beautiful smoker friends out there:  I don't judge you.  I want to be you.  I want to be laughing with you at the bar, all surrounded with horrible air chemicals, just a smokin' away without a care in the world.  I love you and will smoke vicariously through you. I just have to love me more, and gots to do what I gots to do.  Nothing but positive thoughts and vibes my lovelies.

<3

 

 

 

 

White Girls Can Jump

I have an obsession with Target, like most women my age do.  I mean, come on, what's not to like?  I can get Starbucks, cute clothes, milk, and panty liners all in one spot.  I'm all for killing several birds with one stone.  The downside of Target?  Well, there's two actually.  One, I can't go in there without spending over $100, and two, I'm a sucker for a really great sale, even if I don't actually like what I'm buying.  Which is what I thought the case would be for this badboy!  Not so much friends, not so much.

jump 1.jpg

Meet the jumpsuit, aka the most comfortable piece of clothing I own.  It's exquisite, truly.  I actually bought it a week ago but didn't end up wearing it until yesterday.  It was on the 50% off rack for $12.30 so I immediately grabbed a medium.  No, it wasn't because I was particularly enthralled with how the suit looked.  It was the price.  Straight up.  Anyway, I grabbed a medium and that was a mistake.  It fit, but I wasn't comfortable.  The length was a little too high water for my liking and I just didn't feel confident in it.

Fast forward to a few days ago when I went and exchanged the jumpsuit for a large.  Bingo, much better.  Now, I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I wasn't super duper self conscious on the way to morning drop off with Big E.  I was sure people would be staring at my ass and seeing that it definitely didn't have a shape in the suit.  I also wasn't thrilled to have to be completely top naked while peeing.  That's just a strange sensation, folks.  But I threw the suit on anyway and went about my day.  Best decision I made yesterday.  Wayyyyy better than my decision to take the above picture after my mouth had been numbed by the dentist lady, who subsequently just LOVED my jumpsuit.  She told me I was SO CUUUUTEEE over and over again, totally making me not hate having a needle jammed into my gums.

I am learning to be more comfortable in my skin, especially after having two children stretch the shit out of me.  It's taking time, which I have plenty of, and confidence, which I have not so much of.  But that's okay.  Give me a wacky jumpsuit anyday.  Because as long as I live, I will NEVER be the mom that wears a cardigan over her shoulders and mom jeans.  Unless the mom jeans were like SUPER DUPER comfortable.  Then I'd rock the shit out of them :)

jump 2.jpg


I Did It Raw

Let's get something straight out the gate, this isn't a post about sex.  Ugh, how boring, right? Nope, it's about raw eating.  Not the raw food movement kind, but the lazy Justine kind. I challenged myself to eat nothing but raw fruit and veggies for 5 days.  I could have my coffee in the morning, some alcohol (because come on, I'm not a savage),and water, and raw nuts, not the delicious honey roasted kind.  That's it.  

NOTE: This challenge had nothing to do with losing weight.  In fact, I didn't even weigh myself before starting.  Nope, it was more about seeing if I could actually do it and, you know, not eating crap for a few days.  This is how it went...

MONDAY

  1. Epic fail.  Totally forgot about my plan.  Things can only get better from here, right?

TUESDAY

  1. Oh hey there delicious biscuits that I like to toast and smother in butter and honey.  You guys looks so purty in your package.  I don't even eat breakfast but you guys look scrumptious.  Also, I hate you right now.  Let's have a piece of fruit instead, yay!  Hashtagyeahfuckingright.
  2. I inadvertently ate a Cheerio whilst feeding Little E some.  It's amazing how instinctual it is to just eat without thinking.  Damn that dry ass, stale Cheerio was awesome.  I need coffee.
  3. (The hunger rage set in at this point)  WHO THE FUCK EVEN LISTENS TO NICKLEBACK ANYMORE? 
  4. I made mac and cheese and nuggets for Evie for dinner.  Why?  Because I must hate myself.  I took 3 bites of the mac because, hello, it's the shiz.  FAIL!!
  5. I ate a banana, apple, and a little fruit salad all day.  I'm pissed, light headed and cold. Starvation has set in.  I may not last until the morning.  Pray for me.  And whatever you do?  Don't you dare say you'll eat so and so for me.  I'll stab faces.

WEDNESDAY

  1. I binged on some baby carrots before bed last night, so I didn't wake up too hungry.  Took Evie to school, but not before eyeing up her breakfast.  Going to nap once Little E does.  If I'm sleeping, I'm not starving.
  2. Woke up from a glorious nap.  Highlight of my day?  The icy cold coffee waiting for me in the fridge.  I've noticed my patience for everything are wearing thin.  Little E and I shared a banana.
  3. Had to go to the grocery store for more milk, because apparently toddlers drink roughly 700 gallons a week.
  4. The grocery store can go fuck itself.
  5. Texted Jon "I'm missing you a lot at the moment.  Not sure what's going on.  Getting very emotional.  Damn raw diet."
  6. Picked Evie up from school.  Put Evs down for a nap.  New highlight of my day?  I poured myself a half cup of mixed nuts.  Needs my protein yo!  
  7. Made Eves a bitchin' salad for dinner and salavated like a canine the entire time she ate it.  Dressing?!  You lucky little duck, you.  Chicken?  Must be nice.  Grated cheese?  Ughhhhhhhh.  I would probably eat one of my 700 animals by now if I wasn't squeamish about blood.
  8. Chugged a water.  Livin' the dream, folks, livin' the dream.
  9. My heart and head are happy I didn't stray from the plan today.  My body on the other hand?  It's telling me to fuck off and go to bed.  I need all the energy sleep will give me to make it through the next two days.  Two more days of this?  Fml.

THURSDAY

  1. Reluctantly got up after an interrupted night's sleep (Little E got up at 3 am for no reason at all)  and gave Evie some Cocoa Puffs for breakfast.  No judgies.  I wasn't tempted by them at all.
  2. Had a headache.  Probably because I'm super dehydrated.  
  3. My coffee was the bomb digs, as usual.  I opted for a shower instead of a nap.  I will regret this around 3:00.
  4. Lost all willpower and ate sushi for lunch.  It was fucking amazing and mostly veggies. Just a little cream cheese and rice.  Suck on that!  I also had a Godiva truffle.  I expected it to taste better, but I inhaled that fucker so fast it barely registered as food.  You would think I would beat myself up for this, right?  Nope,  All I can think about is how much I want chicken tenders.
  5. My brain is definitely off.  I'm switching tenses like a crazy woman.
  6. I bought some wine yesterday.  The thought of funneling the whole thing in one shot has crossed my mind 37 times today.
  7. Drank some wine
  8. Ended up eating chicken nuggets and a cheese sandwich.  Raw diet officially dead.

FRIDAY

  1. Ate a burger.  It was glorious!

So, okay, I lasted two days doing the raw thang.  It was awful.  I was starving, short-tempered, weak, and dramatic the whole time.  Never again!  Note to self: Stop coming up with stupid challenges you KNOW you won't be able to do.  I mean come on, give up White Castle cheeseburgers in favor of a fresh tomato? I'd rather shoot myself in the foot.   But, to each their own

 

 

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The BEST Alfredo Sauce You Will Ever Eat In Your Entire Life. Fo Reals.

I wasn't very domestic this week, I can admit it.  It was one of those weeks where most of the housework was ignored in favor of hanging out with the kiddos and making memories.  I'm not spending our summer scrubbing toilets and organizing Evie's room forthehundrethfuckingtimeohemgeeitssoannoying.  So yeah, the house has gone to shit.  Totally worth it though.

Jon has been working so much lately that I wanted to get my 1950's housewife groove back and make him something tasty for dinner.  Like from scratch.  I'm not oblivious, I know I'm not a good cook.  So, I found something easy and tasty that would satisfy the whole family. Enter Giada De Laurentiis and her yummy alfredo sauce.  

Now, it should be known right off that bat that I loves me some creamy sauce. Team cream right here.  I would NEVER EVEN THINK of getting red sauce with my pasta at a restaurant.  I prefer white pizzas over traditional ones, and who the eff would choose Manhattan Clam Chowder over New England?  I would seriously like to meet that person (because there is probably just one, how could there be more?) and ask WHY? NO, BUT REALLY, WHY?  But I digress.

Ingredients
2 1/2 cups heavy cream
1/2 cup fresh lemon juice (That's just crazy talk.  I used the juice of 1 instead.)
12 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 cups grated Parmesan (I grated myself, because I'm cool like that)
2 teaspoons grated lemon zest
Pinch freshly grated nutmeg (I just used what I had in the pantry.  No fresh needed)
Salt and freshly ground white pepper (Ohhhh look at me all fancy schamancy with my white pepper.  Yeah, just use black)

Stir 2 cups of the cream and the lemon juice in a heavy large skillet to blend. Add the butter and cook over medium heat just until the butter melts, stirring occasionally, about 3 minutes. Remove from the heat.
Add the remaining 1/2 cup of cream, and Parmesan to the cream sauce in the skillet. Add the lemon zest, nutmeg, salt, and white pepper. But the sauce on low heat until it thickens slightly, about 1 minute.

Fucking boom, guys.  This alfredo sauce recipe is fabulous!  I'm a sucker for lemon with pasta. There's just something about it.  So I tossed some Burtoli mini raviolis into the sauce and added garlic bread and a tasty side salad.  Jon said he would have rather had fettuccine instead of the raviolis, and he was probably right.  But the sauce?  Amazeballs.  This will be my go-to alfredo sauce from now on.  

Take that, June Cleaver!  This bitch can do it all too!

It's All 1970's Up In Hur

Summers can be tough in Florida when you have kids.  Sure, it sounds like a wonderful idea to pack the kids up and head to the beach in the Flex with the windows down while everyone is singing Let It Go at the top of their lungs.  Ha. Hahahaha.  Oh, I wish.

It's more like this:  It's crazy hot.  Like the kind of hot you would imagine hell feeling like. Here, it's the kind of hot that literally makes you want to punch innocent bystanders in the face everywhere you go, but you can't because the sickly hot, humid bullshit makes you completely weak and basically useless.  By the time you go outside to start the AC in the car, before strapping everyone in, you are done.  The heat has taken every ounce of water in your body.  Your brain is screaming NEED AC NOW!!  So you don't go to the beach that day.  Or the next.  Or the next.  Even though you live 5 minutes from a gorgeous one.  Instead, you keep the kids inside and try to think of shit that will keep them occupied and not give them heat stroke.  And that's where the Lava Lamp comes in.

What You Will Need--

  • A clear plastic water bottle (the taller the better)
  • Canola oil
  • water
  • food coloring
  • Alka Seltzer tabs (get the cheap-o's)

Fill your water bottle 1/3 (even a little less if fine) with tap water.  Fill bottle the rest of the way with oil.  Let settle for a minute or two.  Choose your color.  Add about 5 drops to the oil and water.  Let it settle again.  Take an Alka Seltzer and break it into a few pieces.  Add pieces to your bottle.  Watch the magic happen :)

This was a quick, easy project...PERFECT for kids.  The best part?  Put the lid on your bottle and save it for another day.  Hours of fun for the whole family.  

 

**DISCLAIMER** Your Lava Lamp won't look as cool as a real one but few things do.  Amiright?

Lovely Lemon Bars

I was reading a story from Evie's Strawberry Shortcake book the other night.  It was about Strawberry and her friends entering into a baking contest.  Riveting. I couldn't put it down.  So Strawberry was making Strawberry something and Plum Pudding was making Plum something and Lemon Meringue was making...LEMON BARS!!  **Spoiler** Lemon slacked off and ended up fucking up her recipe by using salt instead of sugar.  Plum totally won that shit and Lemon accused her of sabotaging her lemon bars.  Yeah, it went there, friends.  

So obviously I got a craving for lemon bars.  I told my bestie, Ali, and we decided to make some homemade deliciousness.  Technically she did all the "making."  I was on baby patrol.  But I did buy the lemons, so really I was in charge of the most important part.  Nailed it!  

Here's the recipe Ali found:

Ingredients
For the Crust:

Vegetable oil, for greasing the pan
1 1/2 sticks unsalted butter, cubed
2 cups all-purpose flour
1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
1/2 cup confectioner's sugar, plus more for garnishing the top
1/4 teaspoon salt

For the Filling:
4 large eggs, plus 2 egg yolks
2 cups sugar
1/3 cup all-purpose flour, sifted (I asked Ali if she remembered to sift.  She didn't.  It worked anyway)
1 teaspoon grated lemon zest
1 cup fresh lemon juice (from about 8 lemons)---(Ali only used 5 lemons)

Make the crust first: Position a rack in the middle of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees F. Grease a 9-by-13-inch pan with vegetable oil and line with foil, leaving a 2-inch overhang on all sides; grease the foil with oil. Pulse the butter, flour, both sugars and the salt in a food processor until the dough comes together, about 1 minute (Ali did this part all by hand.  She's a fucking jedi like that)  Press evenly into the bottom and about 1/2 inch up the sides of the prepared pan, making sure there are no cracks. Bake until the crust is golden, about 25 minutes.


Make the filling: Whisk the whole eggs and yolks, sugar and flour in a bowl until smooth. Whisk in the lemon zest and juice. Remove the crust from the oven and reduce the temperature to 300 degrees F. Pour the filling over the warm crust and return to the oven. Bake until the filling is just set, 30 to 35 minutes.  (We left in in for about 10 extra minutes because it still looked a little gelatinous) 

Let the bars cool in the pan on a rack, then refrigerate until firm, at least 2 hours. Lift out of the pan using the foil and slice. Dust with confectioners' sugar before serving.  (We skipped the whole "refrigerate" part, not because we didn't think it was necessary--it was--but because we were each about 4 beers deep at that point and just completely didn't read the whole recipe)

I apologize for the crudeness of the photos.  I got a new phone recently and discovered that the camera is a big piece of poo.  Anyway, the verdict?  The lemon bars were super yummy.  They were a little tart though.  Some might think too tart.  I didn't.  We looked at different recipes that called for like 3 cups of sugar instead of the 1.5 we used.  That's just crazy talk.  Wayyyyy too much sugar.  So I suggest maybe having a little vanilla ice cream with your bar if you think it's too tart.  Ali says whipped cream.  Either choice would be delicious and only add to the scrumptousness that is the lovely lemon bar.  Enjoy!

(A big high five to Master Chef Ali.  She rocked it.  Susie Fucking Homemaker!)

The Honest Company is Honestly Awesome

First I will tell you guys that this is not a sponsored post.  All of my opinions are mine and mine alone.  Second, my opinions are totally right!

I was on Facebook the other day and an add popped up for The Honest Company.  You know the one I'm talking about, right?  It's Jessica Alba's eco-friendly products company?  Well, the ad said I could get some really sweet sample products for free.  Sign me up!

I went to the website and decided to sign up the the Essentials Bundle sample kit.  Here's the deal with the sample kit: it isn't actually free.  You have to pay 5.95 for shipping.  Okay, I figured it probably wasn't actually going to be free.  Very few things are.  So I signed up and paid the $5.95. While signing up I was informed that I would be receiving a bundle every month at the rate of $35.95 plus shipping and handling.  I can cancel at any time by calling a number.  Usually this type of thing scares me away and I just say to hell with it.  But the products looked so cute and I was feeling very hippyish that day, so I just went for it.  

You can choose from the Essentials Bundle, which has everything from hand soap to floor cleaner, the Diapers & Wipes Bundle, which has (you guessed it!) diapers and wipes, and the Health & Wellness Bundle that contains vitamins and supplements.  I chose the Essentials Bundle.  

About a week later I received my bundle in an adorable box.  Seriously, it was packaged quite nicely.  Sorry to say that I did not take a picture of it when I got it.  I totally should have.   The samples I received were Honest Multi-Surface Cleaner, Honest Hand Soap, Honest Shampoo & Body Wash, Honest Face & Body Lotion, and Honest Healing Balm.  These weren't little itty bitty samples, folks.  There was at least 1 oz. of each product to test.   I was one happy mama.  Here's what I thought of the products:

Honest Multi-Surface Cleaner--- Ok, this spray smells like white grapefruit.  'Nuff said.  But I'll go on anyway.  Smell is pretty important when it comes to your house.  I don't want something that smells like artificial lemons.  But Honest Multi-Surface cleaner?  Yeah, it smells good enough to spray into your mouth.  I didn't do that and I wouldn't recommend it, but the company says their products are non-toxic, so....Seriously though, don't drink cleaning products. Just enjoy the smell.  Aside from the smell, the spray worked great on my counters.  I was totally impressed with its ability to break up powdered baby formula grime and crusted pancake batter.  I even used it to clean off my daughter's high chair tray without the fear of getting her sick from spray toxins.

Honest Hand Soap--  Woop Woop, lemongrass y'all!! The soap smells divine.  I heart, heart, heart, it.  The site also offers mandarin and lavender scents.  I will be trying both of them soon, obvi.  The soap isn't super concentrated, so it doesn't take 10 years to wash it off of your hands.  Awesome.  And it doesn't leave your hands feeling all dry and crackly after using it all day.  I highly recommend this product.

Honest Shampoo & Body Wash-- What is with this company and their delicious smells?!  Hair and body: meet sweet orange vanilla.  That's right, creamsicle style!  I wanted to eat this product as well and decided against it.  The lather is much like the Honest Hand Soap which was appealing.  I have short hair so it worked as a shampoo just fine.  As a body wash?  I'm in love.  This is definitely a body wash and shampoo for women, although I would totally encourage my husband to douse himself in it as well ;)

Honest Face & Body Lotion-- Typically when I see a lotion product that can be used on the face and body, I steer clear.  Face skin in much more sensitive than leg skin, am I right?  I don't have to worry so much about my leg skin's pores clogging up and breaking out.  I don't want my face to break out like it used to in middle school.  No thanks, I'm 29 now.  I was so pleased with The Honest Company's other products that I smeared the lotion all over my face after a shower.  And you know what?  No pimples!  Nothing but soft, smooth skin baby!  The lotion feels amazing on my face and body.  The best part?  It doesn't leave my hands feeling greasy like so many other lotions on the market.  A+

Honest Healing Balm-- This product is like a lotion...TO THE EXTREME.  It's thicker than the face and body lotion and I think it smells like honey and molasses.  My skin isn't severely dry or rough, so I personally didn't have much use for this product.  It is safe enough to use on babies though, so I used it as a diaper rash cream on Everly.  It seems to have taken the rash away.  Score!   

Basically you need to know this: The Honest Company is the bomb digs!  The products are amazing, the packaging is crazy cute, and you can feel great knowing you are using natural products that aren't impacting our planet.  It's a win, win, win, folks! 

 

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