Food Wars: Toddler Style
I'm slowly losing my will to live, you guys, and it's all because of food. No, not my struggle with food, but my toddler's. I can't even.
I feel like every single day of my life I am glued to our kitchen. I leave for a minute or two and am yelled at by a tiny terrorist until I am BACK in the fucking kitchen fixing yet another snack for the day. Oh, you want a banana? Sure. *Peels banana and hands it sweetly to toddler* *Toddler takes a bite or two, mashes it in her hands, and hurls it on the floor in a rage* Wait, you said crackers? Well sure, here you go. *Toddler runs manically around the house with the crackers, crushing them, and grinding them into the carpet.* My mistake, you said CHEESE. But not just cheese, it has to be WHITE cheese. (Side note: my child might be developing racist tendencies) Here you go, cutie pie, here's your cheese. *Toddler chews cheese until it is liquid and proceeds to spit it all over my dresser before smearing it in all crazy like with her little hands.* You asshole.
I wish these were made up things. They are not. This is daily in my house. My little one doesn't sit in a high chair anymore and therefore goes where she wants with the food. Finding a rogue apple with two bites taken out of it under my bed is just par for the course around these parts. More often than not I will find my little camped out at the pantry just a weighin' her options. Hmmmm, what can I get my mom to make me now? And yes, I AM a pushover. Yes, I WILL make her ALL THE FOOD. Why? Because it is motherfucking exhausting to be screamed at all day by a tiny beast. So what's that? You want an entire can of black olives? Sure! *Goes in bedroom later on and is convinced one of the dogs took 30 different shits all over the place.* Oh wait, that's just black olives. Phew!