Going Off The Crazy
I went on Celexa, an antidepressant, soon after my second little was born. I noticed I was a bit under the weather and could maybe use a teensy more pep in my step. Fast forward to almost 3 years later, and I'm still on it.
Lately I have been feeling like the Celexa hasn't been doing a damn thing for me. I was on 20 milligrams for about 2.5 years and decided to up it to 40 milligrams for a month. There was no change in my mood. I searched my mind to see if I was truly depressed. I can honestly say I don't feel depressed, although I am well aware that may be because I am still taking a little Celexa every day.
Here's the thing, I don't want to live my life on an antidepressant. I'm sure most people who are medicated can say the same thing. There is no shame in my game, however. I'm not stupid, I know my family history and know that there is a good possibility my brain isn't wired like so many "normal" people's. I may have to be on an antidepressant for the rest of my life to ensure my synapses are firing correctly. And that's okay. But I don't KNOW that for sure. So I'm testing the waters and slowly tapering off my meds.
Right now I am on 10 milligrams of Celexa. I have been taking this dosage for a few weeks. It hasn't been an easy road, that's for sure, but I suppose it could be a hell of a lot worse. Right now my symptoms are rage and brain zaps.
The rage is supposedly normal and should stop once my serotonin levels out. I'm not a complete bitch all the time, but I am definitely snappy and quick to lose my shit. It passes just as quickly as it comes, or so I think. Maybe I'm wrong. I sure hope I'm not a complete ass all of the time. If I am, my apologies, my brain is trying to cope with not being drugged up, and it's tough.
So the brain zaps, let's talk about that shit. Ugh. It's awful and REALLY hard to describe. One definition I found says this, "It feels as if your head, brain, or both have experienced a sudden shake, vibration, tremor, jolt, or electric shock, or zap." Yuck, but totally true. Around 4:00 PM every single day for the past few weeks I have gotten the brain zaps until I take my 10 milligrams. After the pill is absorbed into my system, the zaps mostly stop. For me, it's more annoying than uncomfortable, and as with the rage, the zapping crap should go away soon.
The key to going off Celexa or any antidepressant is to taper. Taper, taper, taper! I wanted to stop cold turkey, but I also knew that was a very dangerous thing to do. These pills have been in my system for close to 3 years. If I suddenly stopped taking them altogether, my brain would be totally fucked. So for now I will continue with the 10 milligrams and slowly go down from there. I hope to be completely off my meds in the next 6 weeks and then take time to evaluate how I feel.
If I happen to feel like shit and full of anger and crazy, I will go back on an antidepressant. Maybe it will be Celexa again, maybe I will switch it up. I don't know yet. I hope to not have to travel down that road, but if I do, fuck it. It's better than feeling like a basket case. So wish me luck my lovelies! I might just need every bit I can get ;)