Is This What A Resorbed Twin Feels Like?
WARNING: This post contains sex, gas bubbles, and possible ruptured cysts
***My husband might just kill me for this, I don't know. I'm not telling him about it and neither should you. Although, I think a part of him is like SUPER DUPER proud of himself for damn near killing me...with his penis.
Sunday night I had sex. Drunken sex. Drunken aggressive sex. It happens. We are married and it had been a minute and shit needed to get done. Well, the second we were done having the sex my insides felt like they were in a knot. My belly felt full of gas. When I say full I don't mean that I ate too much cheese and ice cream and had a little gas. I mean that it felt like I ate nothing but fast food and drank nothing but beer for all 30 years of my life. To say I was in pain is a complete understatement. I was dying. But I was also drunk so I just ignored the pain and passed out.
Monday morning was an issue. The husband asked if I needed him to stay home from work and I said yes. There was no way in hell I could handle a toddler on my own with the way I felt. At this point I was convinced that somehow during the sex my body had been filled with unwanted air. Which made me a little self conscious because what the hell could that possibly mean except that my vagina is a cavernous hole after giving birth to two monster babies. I've since been assured that it is indeed NOT cavernous at all. At least there's that. So Monday was basically spent with me alternating laying positions in bed and on the floor. Nothing seemed to work and I began to wonder if perhaps I had a demon living inside of me. I've sinned plenty in my life, so it would be only fair. Have you ever seen The Exorcism of Emily Rose? Was I going to start eating spiders and bugs and speaking in tongues? Was this a long lost resorbed twin making it's debut 30 years too late? With my luck anything is possible. I had heard and read that laying on your left side with just your right leg brought up to your chest will relieve gas pains. I tried this all day. Only a little gas came out. The fuck?
Yesterday was a little better. The pain centralized in my lower abdomen region. I was able to walk and lift certain things, like my smallest child, much to her delight. I went to CVS and finally bought some Gas-X and popped two of those bitches right there in the parking lot. An hour later and still no relief. I started Googling things again and came to the conclusion that my husband has most definitely ruptured an ovarian cyst with all his crazy sexual penis stabbings. The more I read the more I was convinced that I was not going to die and that this pain would subside in a few days. I didn't have a fever, I wasn't vomiting or dizzy, and each day I seemed to be getting a smidge better. I took a crazy hot shower, making sure to shoot the water in my ovary region, and used a heating pad in bed all night.
Today I am a little better still. I can bend over without squealing and walking isn't that difficult. I am still walking like a bit of a pregnant woman, but hey, progress is progress. I'm sure most of you reading this are appalled that I have yet to go to the doctor. The only defense I have (and it's a terrible one) is that I'm pretty fucking stubborn and my pain scale hasn't been enough for me to beg for kick ass painkillers. Ibuprofen has worked so far and I haven't even had to take that much of it. Also, the internets have informed me that ruptured cysts happen all the time and a lot of the time you just have to wait it out. So yes, I have self-diagnosed and am now convinced everything I read online is true.
I keep saying that if I don't feel 100% tomorrow I will go to the doctor. But I won't. Unless I spike a fever or suddenly start puking blood, you can find me at home with my chitlins watching Clifford or Curious George. Seriously though, I think I'm on the mend. I even mustered enough strength this morning to yell at the kids for being dicks and throwing dried cereal all over the floor and then running over said cereal with a monster truck, virtually obliterating it into the carpet. I vacuumed that shit up right away. So far today is a win. And I promise, if I'm not back to my old self by 2017, I will TOTALLY go to the doctor. NOT!
PS- I'm still convinced there is trapped gas in there. TMI?