Welcome To My Nightmare
A few weeks ago my youngest daughter head-butted me in a moment of sheer joy. She was hyper and having the time of her life. We were sitting together on the couch and she suddenly snapped her tiny head back and connected with my nose. I heard a cracking noise, felt immediate horrendous pain, and started crying. It hurt like a motherfucker. I waited for the blood, but it never came. At least my beak wasn't broken. To this day it is still tender.
Ahhhh the joys of a toddler. We are a month away from Little E turning two and the effects can be felt everywhere. Hard From the moment she wakes up until she is finally sleeping, Everly screams. It seems the more I try to protect her from dangerous situations (such as NOT letting her run across the slippery tile floor right after she gets out of the shower or NOT letting her scald the shit out her mouth with hot scrambled eggs) the more she resists. Toddler rage can be quite epic, guys.
My sweet little lady used to run to me and sit on my lap. Now she runs AT me with knives and grenades. She throws everything and tries to bite whatever or whoever is in her way. Diaper changes have become a ridiculous game of Distract The Psycho, and jeezus forbid there is a baby gate in her way. She managed to slam through the metal gate we used between the kitchen and living room. Well played, crazy girl, well played. I'm only half joking when I say she is about a day away from becoming full-on-head-spinning-Linda-Blair-possessed. Pea green puke, levitating bed, the whole fucking shebang.
Have you ever been yelled at all goddamn day long? No? It's a joy, let me tell you. Have you ever had shit smeared all over your arm after wrestling another human being out of a grody diaper ? Nah? Well then you haven't lived, my friend. Ever watched as another person threw the meal you JUST cooked all over the floor with a sadistic smile on their face? If you answered no to any or all of these questions, you DON'T have a toddler. Or if you do, yours is an angel and I'll trade you for a little while. Seriously. Come on, at least think about it, okay?