Is This A Hangover Or Did I Just Die?
I woke up on my 30th birthday feeling like a million bucks. It was 7:00 in the morning and the sun was shining bright. I walked out of my brother-in-law's guest bedroom, went past the kitchen full of empty beer and liquor bottles, and walked outside. I sat on the edge of the pool and stretched my arms up to the sky. I sucked in deeply and exhaled. 30 was going to be my year!
Fast forward about 2.5 hours to when the happy morning drunk wore off. HOLY SHIT. My little family and I went for a ride to get bagels. Jon and I were laughing and joking the whole car ride there. I was having a blast. We got there, I ordered my bagel, and we sat down. Then like a fucking freight train it hit. Sweet Jesus, why? I was shaking, my stomach was flipping, and I could not think rationally. We needed to leave, stat. I took Everly out to the car, sat in the front waiting for Jon and Evie, and prayed I wouldn't shit my pants.
Minutes later we rolled into our driveway and I was limping out of the car to get to the bathroom. I had just been hit with my 700th poop cramp and was convinced there was a monster in my gut, eating me from the inside out. Fucking vodka! Once I evacuated the toxins from my body, I reasoned, I would feel fabulous. LIES! Nothing helped. I was a mess. I couldn't even sit still. If I sat down I knew I would die. So I paced my living room over and over. I tried drinking water but was afraid even that would kill me.
I took a Xanax and waited for it to kind of kick in. It was Everly's naptime so I laid her down and proceeded to crawl into my own bed. I put my fan at full boar on my face and closed my eyes. Luckily by this time my meds kicked in so I was able to relax a little. However, it was such a bad hangover that I never did fall asleep. So I laid in my bed for 3 hours until I could function well enough to get up and not scare my children.
And that my friends is how I spent my 30th birthday. What lessons did I learn from this you might be wondering? Don't chug vodka laced cocktails for hours with hardly any food in your belly. And for fuck's sake DRINK MORE WATER. Also, Xanax is my best friend. Cheers!