My Kid Is The Picasso Of Poop
I woke up from a very pleasant nap a few weeks back and could smell that something just wasn't right. In fact, there was a very distinct odor lurking in my home. I walked through the living room and kitchen searching for the culprit. Did someone not flush the toilet AGAIN? Was there a rogue poopy diaper somewhere I forgot about? I made my way toward my toddler's room and that's when it hit me, rather, PUNCHED me straight in the face: the awful shit smell was coming from inside her room. I opened the door and standing in front of me, COVERED in her own feces, was my beautiful little two-year-old.
After cleaning her off with 75 gallons of body wash and a power sprayer AND clipping her finger nails down to nubs, I took inventory of my toddler's room. Yep, there it was, shit. EVERYWHERE. The carpet was covered, the bed was a mess. I had to disinfect the walls and doorknob and wash stuffed animals. I burned roughly half a pack of Nag Champa incense in her room with the door sealed shut. After about 24 hours, the smell had dissipated.
Fast forward a week and the same problem reared it's ugly head, although not nearly as bad. And a few days after that, yep, you guessed it, poop walls. I washed everything down again, hosed the kid off, and tried explaining how gross it was to touch poop. Apparently nothing I say matters, because we are still dealing with my sweet little Poop Picasso. But I've learned a few tricks whilst dealing with the poo problem:
1- Onesies are my best friend and they are an absolute fucking MUST before nap time AND bed time. No exceptions! Sure, I can be lazy and forego the onesie, but then I might as well be prepared to be elbows deep in not-so-solid toddler poo. No thank you. My gag reflex is terrible these days and no matter how hard I wash up after cleaning the poo, I can still smell it. Everywhere.
2- Pants! My child must go to bed with pants on. It's a lot harder to reach up through pants to grab at your own fecal matter than cute little frilly pajama shorts. Truth. NEVER skip the pants. A week back I couldn't find a pair of pants to put on my wee one at bed time. Sure enough, first thing in the morning I was in deep shit.
3- My toddler can't possibly fathom how disgusting it is to touch her own poop, no matter how disgusted my facial expression is as I wash her off. Patience is a virtue. Sure, it's a virtue I lack when it comes to cleaning shit, but I'm working on it.
4- My kid will start potty training when she's ready. Sure she is curious about her poop, and she doesn't like a wet or messy diaper, but that doesn't mean I can force her on the potty. Sticker charts and M&M treats be damned. My toddler is a person with her own personality. She will shit on the potty when she's ready.
For now it's straight jackets for her and wine for me. Only time will tell what will happen, but I'm pretty sure this is just a phase. Someone please tell me this is just a phase. Anyone? No? Okay, well then can you at least pick me up a bottle of white and a gossipy tabloid magazine while you're out? Thanks, you're the best.