Men, Move It Along. This Is About Periods
Oh Mother Nature, you crazy bitch. It's amazing the things women have to put up with. We NEVER catch a break! Here's the thing: my sweet Little E is 14 months old now and my periods are still all jacked up and unpredictable. Awesome.
I'm sitting here typing this all crampy and pissed off, wondering what the hell I did to deserve this happening again for the SECOND time in two weeks. Oh yeah, that's right, I was born a woman! Apparently we get to have periods, house babies, have babies, probably get postpartum depression, or at least the "baby blues" (stupidest name ever), stretch marks, grow unwanted facial hair, do 95% of the child rearing, and then get menopause and age 700 times faster than men. Seems fair. NOT!
I don't know what the science of the body (READ: periods) is after having children. It's got something to do with hormones (of course, because my emotions aren't fucked up enough) and time. Just give it time and you're periods will get back to normal. Don't worry. I'm not WORRIED, I'm ANNOYED! There is a difference. I don't want to buy stock in tampons. I don't want to be a bloated, angry mess. I don't want to have to spot check my crotch and ass when I walk by a full length mirror to be certain that I don't look like something from The Walking Dead. Because the ONE TIME I don't do it will be the time a stranger will come up to me in the grocery store to tell me something is definitely wrong down there.
I really don't have the time or the patience to play the Congratulations! You've Got Your Period For The Third Time This Month game. It's a shitty game, way worse than the squaredancing we were forced to endure in highschool. The winner of the period game gets a pack of Tampax Compak, a heating pad, and a Dove chocolate bar. Second place gets some Always pantyliners and Midol. Third place? A ruined pair of Victoria's Secret underwear that you will refer to as your "period undies" from that day forward. It's always the expensive pairs that get destroyed. Amiright?
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