I'm going to go on record to say that What To Expect When You're Expecting is basically the most useless piece of garbage book about pregnancy out there. It is so outdated it should be taken off the shelves and archived. Maybe I feel more passionately about this because I am having my third child and rarely pay attention to all the milestones my body is going through. Idk. I DO know that when I was pregnant with my first gremlin I LOVED that book. It told me everything I needed to know. I read it almost every night, which means I read a head and prepared myself (as much as I could) for what was going to happen to my body.
The second time I got pregnant, What To Expect made a few appearances. If I wanted to know what size the baby was during that particular week I would glance in the book and then toss it to the side. Or if I had a crazy case of constipation I would consult the book while I hovered on the toilet praying for relief. Drink more fluids? Really, book? Fuck off.
This time? This pregnancy? I HATE that book. I picked it up, looked through it twice, and seriously considered lighting it on fire. I consult the internet now, thank you very much, for all the things that are currently plaguing my body.
A lot of weird shit can happen to a body that is growing a baby. What To Expect didn't help me with most of my freak ailments. For instance, when I was pregnant with my second gremlin I developed skin tags. Yes, it WAS disgusting. They went away after she was born though, thankfully. I also got trigger finger in my left middle finger. Obviously this wasn't conducive to my fuck you, get the fuck out of my face attitude when I wanted to flip someone or something off but my damn finger kept getting stuck. I wore a finger splint for the last month of my pregnancy. Super bad ass. By the time I left the hospital with my new bundle of joy my finger was totally back to normal and I could resume flipping the bird instead of using actual words to communicate my frustration.
This time around I have a whole new weird thing happening to me that I haven't experienced before. Did you know that whilst pregnant your feet arches can basically fall? Yeah, I didn't know that shit either, but that's what's currently happening to my left foot. Some days it doesn't hurt at all, other days I spend a good portion of my day hobbling around looking crazy. The internet says that I should be cured after I have the baby and lose approximately 700 pounds. So there's that to look forward to. I also have an extreme pulling sensation in my very lower belly. I thought maybe it was my ovaries falling out of my body but my doctor said nope, that's just your ligaments stretching even more as the baby grows. I guess this gets more painful with each pregnancy. Awesome. At least I still have my ovaries and they aren't covered in cysts that are about to rupture. It's all about staying positive, right? And I don't know if it's because I'm pregnant in my 30's now or the fact that I'm pregnant and taking care of two other children, but holy shit I have never been so consistently tired in all of my life. The other two times I was with child I felt immediately more energized after the first trimester. This time the entire pregnancy has been the first trimester. I could fall asleep typing this.
I'm nervous what the next issue is going to be. I am only a little more than half way through this marathon and some days it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to keep reminding myself that all of this will pass after the baby is born. Until then stay tuned for what other body part will be falling off or caving in or exploding. Good times.